Physical touch. 

Today was a tough day. I am sitting here in my bed at 1.56am after arriving home a few minutes ago from the capital. I had to go there for a personal reason, one I will not ever feel comfortable sharing but there are lessons here for those who reflect as a means of growth and healing. I should be sleeping as my entire body aches from a virus that has made its way the abode of my body. I had to visit my teacher today. He is someone I have come to love and respect and even though our interaction is unusual, I have always kept a distance from him. It’s almost the most strangest experience, knowing someone on such a deeply personal reason, and him aiding me, but me not feeling comfortable enough to open up to him and feel emotionally safe. 
During my meeting with him, he could see I was distressed and he just put his arms around me, whilst reciting some ayahs from surah Kahf (signs) lightly massaging my arms to let me know everything would be ok, and than,  all of sudden I broke down. I broke down *hard*. I remember the last time I broke down this hard. I was in Raleigh, North Carolina and something traumatic had occurred and in that moment I called someone because I wanted to hear their voice. It was strange reflecting on that experience. I did not know the person well but I felt our souls did. I felt there was something there that made me call. Today as I was distressed and fell into prostration, I cried for many reasons. And there in the midst of my storm. She was there. Of all the thoughts I could have had, I found myself supplicating for her. She was troubled in a very beautiful human way  and intensely special. There was something so real and so warm about her. I just missed her but life is life and you cannot control the outcome of your efforts. There is ultimately wisdom in God’s timing and planning. 

The reason I shared this very personal post is this. I write often, yet here I share the most personal parts of myself,  one, because I don’t even think anyone else would read this, and two, if you did come across it, there is divine wisdom in this and a lesson to heed, so heed and grow. 

My life is always relayed as something unique and special, I am often told I should write a book on my experiences but most of it is too sensitive to share, but if I can, I can share the lessons I have learnt, sometimes in a harsh and not so harsh way. 
I learnt today I have deprived myself so long from connection. Just the warmth from my teacher, set me off because for so long I had not let anyone touch me, so lovingly. I realised the importance of physical touch and the importance of exerting this human need in a halal (permissible) manner. 

There is more to this but I’m fading. Stay tuned.
Catch you soon, 


The sunrise

We are all struggling with something in our lives. Some of us go through our days, facing the world with a smile, and often the closest to us do not know of the storm encircling us. There are days when we feel confused and broken, and wonder if the trial we have to endure will meet its end. It takes one moment, even the uttering of a single word that sets a spark to the issue and we feel crippled and burdened. We feel soaked by the weight of the pain we are living, every single day. In this period, It is easy to lose hope and remain fallen. You are tired, drained and destitute. You feel although no one understands the heavy heart you carry. So you withdraw. You think it’s better to stay quiet and silently suffer.
With every setting of the sun you are reminded of the darkness that envelopes, but there *is* a reminder of hope. In the signs of the sunrise, we understand that darkness is not permanent. Yes there are periods when you feel like the sun will never rise. But eventually it does, and when it does, it displays such beauty it leaves you in awe. The sunrise is your chance at a new day, honour the battle scars marked within you, but also the light that is waiting to be let in. Nothing is permanent, not even your sadness.
Light can come in many forms. Sometimes in the friend who holds you as you cry into their arms, sometimes it arrives in kind words, simple gestures and moments. You just have to recognise them. Shift your focus to the light at dawn. Shift your focus, knowing you are being remade, stronger and more resilient than ever. This is not the end, this is your path to Jannah (paradise), just one day closer than the last. You are a superhero, and with every lash and cut, is a call from your heart to fight harder until you are free. In the signs of the sunrise, you rise.