Unfiltered truth


Here is a pic of me with an acne covered forehead and it’s time for Ramadan. You are probably thinking why am sharing this and what does it have to do with Ramadan. Keep reading, it will make sense shortly.

It’s almost time for Maghreb and I’m whilst I’menjoying a BBQ, I reflect on this past year. In a few minutes the holy month of fasting will begin.

Last year was overwhelming to say the least. My circumstances were heightened at that point; I was petrified, scared and did not know how I was going to make it through the month. But I did, and want to know how I did it? I got a front row seat in Tawakul (trust in God) and embracing my humanness. It literally saved my life.

You see, I think we as society have forgotten what it means to be human, and that means being imperfect is part of our perfect design. In a world where we are image obsessed and hyper focused on celebrity culture, we are constantly trying to make ourselves more appealing. We tell ourselves once we get ‘there’, we will be happy. But isn’t it interesting how “there” is a never ending road. We build these false ideas of how someone should look and expect them to look great all the time. But we cannot look great all the time. When life is difficult, it’s ok to allow it to show. When you are sad, you feel pain. When you are in pain you are not suppose to look like a GQ cover model. You are supposed to look like you feel. It’s really that simple. The endeavour of perfection is a trap of the devil because it does not exist. You can not attain the impossible.

When I was going through my storm, I would hide it from everyone. Even those closest to me, because I did not want them to see me weak, to see me vulnerable, in pain. I wanted them to see the side that they had always seen, the happy, life of the party, fun brother/friend/son. But I was only making it harder for myself. I realised I was not fully accepting my narrative, my truth. So I let go. And letting go was not as easy as it sounds. But I did. And I let people who cared about me in, I let them see me weak, in pain, a mess and although I felt incredibly uncomfortable I realised I was winning. I was not going to let circumstances be my prison. I could rise if I allowed myself to push. So I pushed away my fears and there found something powerful there: Courage.

So many people are thirsty for love in this harsh world. Nourish them with compassion and drown them in the same mercy you wanted shown to you when you were feeling low. Let your pain allow you to be better, not bitter. Enough kicking someone down, why don’t you offer your hand and raise them up? Next time you see someone who seems sad or looks different to how you normally see them. Why not offer them a smile and a good word.

The picture is an example of me acknowledging every part of me. Breaking out because that’s just life. I made it through the month, and so did the many others who silently overcame.

Keep fighting, and you will too.
Ramadan Mubarak.
Catch you soon,

Musa.

And your home.

There comes a moment in everyone’s life where they meet themselves. They encounter that person whom you meet for the first time. They put their feet on your dashboard as you drive to get breakfast and coffee to soothe a headache and drive to admire the Raleigh nature together. You see a beautiful autumn leaf but are too shy to grab it, but they read your heart and run back and pick it up for you. They give you a piece of clothing so you can use it as a prayer mat at airports. This person will break down walls, and snack your soul awake and even though you may feel like you are breaking down, you are being remade stronger and whole again. You speak in the car for hours, talking about things that keep you awake at night. Even though you are distant, you know your heart still yearns for their company because they made you feel like no other had. They occupy a space so deep, the worlds best diver would struggle to find it. You recognise their soul; it feels young and free. A familiar terrain. Beautiful moments are made when you put your heart into them, when you operate from the heart, you will always live and feel deeply. That’s what home feels like. Life has many turns and the path has many bumps and detours, but if you find yourself lost, just find that connection, and you will be home.

Physical touch. 


Today was a tough day. I am sitting here in my bed at 1.56am after arriving home a few minutes ago from the capital. I had to go there for a personal reason, one I will not ever feel comfortable sharing but there are lessons here for those who reflect as a means of growth and healing. I should be sleeping as my entire body aches from a virus that has made its way the abode of my body. I had to visit my teacher today. He is someone I have come to love and respect and even though our interaction is unusual, I have always kept a distance from him. It’s almost the most strangest experience, knowing someone on such a deeply personal reason, and him aiding me, but me not feeling comfortable enough to open up to him and feel emotionally safe. 
During my meeting with him, he could see I was distressed and he just put his arms around me, whilst reciting some ayahs from surah Kahf (signs) lightly massaging my arms to let me know everything would be ok, and than,  all of sudden I broke down. I broke down *hard*. I remember the last time I broke down this hard. I was in Raleigh, North Carolina and something traumatic had occurred and in that moment I called someone because I wanted to hear their voice. It was strange reflecting on that experience. I did not know the person well but I felt our souls did. I felt there was something there that made me call. Today as I was distressed and fell into prostration, I cried for many reasons. And there in the midst of my storm. She was there. Of all the thoughts I could have had, I found myself supplicating for her. She was troubled in a very beautiful human way  and intensely special. There was something so real and so warm about her. I just missed her but life is life and you cannot control the outcome of your efforts. There is ultimately wisdom in God’s timing and planning. 

The reason I shared this very personal post is this. I write often, yet here I share the most personal parts of myself,  one, because I don’t even think anyone else would read this, and two, if you did come across it, there is divine wisdom in this and a lesson to heed, so heed and grow. 

My life is always relayed as something unique and special, I am often told I should write a book on my experiences but most of it is too sensitive to share, but if I can, I can share the lessons I have learnt, sometimes in a harsh and not so harsh way. 
I learnt today I have deprived myself so long from connection. Just the warmth from my teacher, set me off because for so long I had not let anyone touch me, so lovingly. I realised the importance of physical touch and the importance of exerting this human need in a halal (permissible) manner. 

There is more to this but I’m fading. Stay tuned.
Catch you soon, 

Musa. 

The Runners.

couple-sunset-silhouette-caribbean-beach-wedding

People often go through life running, running from problems, as soon as they face a difficulty in a relationship, it is highlighted as a ‘red flag’ and they do everything to run away from it. From themselves. They don’t want to deal with it, so they run. They do this for years. Blaming, judging, being reckless in many shades, not realizing how unfair they are being with others and most importantly themselves. It takes a deep sense of self love and believing in your own “enoughness” to step into valleys of possibility and adventure. It takes courage to face yourself and honor your accountability.

Meet each situation with justice. When you are faced with a dilemma and something makes you uncomfortable, your response may be to lash out or withdraw. In that moment, ask yourself, are you being fair to the situation or carrying the weight of a past pain to it. Is the person deserving of such a weight that did not belong to them? If no, than make peace with your past. Make peace with the wounds you keep opening. Let go and forgive and embrace this new chapter with hope to succeed. Heal and grow.

Often times we have good thing in front of us yet we seek a love that is foreign, admiring the grass seen from afar. Know that seldom is the grass actually greener on the other side. Know the power of your focus, when you focus on something, it grows, and it can either grow into a wall that suffocates you or blossom into a tree, each branch more beautiful than the one before.

Do not deny your hearts attempt to heal from a love that is present. Do not deny yourself the chance to make a beautiful connection so raw that it shakes you up and shames the devil, who forever reminds you of your failures. This is a story of truth. Recognizing the truth in our lives and being a runner towards truth often manifests in beautiful ways. People often go through life running, each having a choice, ask yourself, are running to connect or running to hide?