There comes a moment in everyone’s life where they meet themselves. They encounter that person whom you meet for the first time. They put their feet on your dashboard as you drive to get breakfast and coffee to soothe a headache and drive to admire the Raleigh nature together. You see a beautiful autumn leaf but are too shy to grab it, but they read your heart and run back and pick it up for you. They give you a piece of clothing so you can use it as a prayer mat at airports. This person will break down walls, and snack your soul awake and even though you may feel like you are breaking down, you are being remade stronger and whole again. You speak in the car for hours, talking about things that keep you awake at night. Even though you are distant, you know your heart still yearns for their company because they made you feel like no other had. They occupy a space so deep, the worlds best diver would struggle to find it. You recognise their soul; it feels young and free. A familiar terrain. Beautiful moments are made when you put your heart into them, when you operate from the heart, you will always live and feel deeply. That’s what home feels like. Life has many turns and the path has many bumps and detours, but if you find yourself lost, just find that connection, and you will be home.
Today was a tough day. I am sitting here in my bed at 1.56am after arriving home a few minutes ago from the capital. I had to go there for a personal reason, one I will not ever feel comfortable sharing but there are lessons here for those who reflect as a means of growth and healing. I should be sleeping as my entire body aches from a virus that has made its way the abode of my body. I had to visit my teacher today. He is someone I have come to love and respect and even though our interaction is unusual, I have always kept a distance from him. It’s almost the most strangest experience, knowing someone on such a deeply personal reason, and him aiding me, but me not feeling comfortable enough to open up to him and feel emotionally safe.
During my meeting with him, he could see I was distressed and he just put his arms around me, whilst reciting some ayahs from surah Kahf (signs) lightly massaging my arms to let me know everything would be ok, and than, all of sudden I broke down. I broke down *hard*. I remember the last time I broke down this hard. I was in Raleigh, North Carolina and something traumatic had occurred and in that moment I called someone because I wanted to hear their voice. It was strange reflecting on that experience. I did not know the person well but I felt our souls did. I felt there was something there that made me call. Today as I was distressed and fell into prostration, I cried for many reasons. And there in the midst of my storm. She was there. Of all the thoughts I could have had, I found myself supplicating for her. She was troubled in a very beautiful human way and intensely special. There was something so real and so warm about her. I just missed her but life is life and you cannot control the outcome of your efforts. There is ultimately wisdom in God’s timing and planning.
The reason I shared this very personal post is this. I write often, yet here I share the most personal parts of myself, one, because I don’t even think anyone else would read this, and two, if you did come across it, there is divine wisdom in this and a lesson to heed, so heed and grow.
My life is always relayed as something unique and special, I am often told I should write a book on my experiences but most of it is too sensitive to share, but if I can, I can share the lessons I have learnt, sometimes in a harsh and not so harsh way.
I learnt today I have deprived myself so long from connection. Just the warmth from my teacher, set me off because for so long I had not let anyone touch me, so lovingly. I realised the importance of physical touch and the importance of exerting this human need in a halal (permissible) manner.
There is more to this but I’m fading. Stay tuned.
Catch you soon,